We take it day by day now. Day by day to the wedding (9 days!) and day by day with my mother. This day was not a good one for my mother, it was a good one for my daughter. Where does that leave me? At my mother's bedside, her thoughts and questions rabid in their wandering, my inability to anticipate what would come next and how I would respond left me weary. The compassion of the Nurses, the thoughtful looks from my colleagues as they see the pain of this disease, we see it everyday, we who care, but when it is one of us, one of our own who suffers the pain intensifies. I see the pain in their eyes as they see the pain in me. Today I buried myself in my work, intellectualized the pain of my loss and discussed dysphagia, potassium levels, oxygen saturation and barium swallow studies in full Nurse mode. I distanced myself to make it easier for them, for those who care for my mother. Another betrayal.
It was a good day for my daughter, 9 days away from her wedding. A good day as she prepares to be a bride, a wife. Her day filled with wedding minutiae and a welcome call from a recruiter with a job interview. A good day as friends call and email and share the excitement. I assure her her grandmother will be at her wedding. Do I betray her with this promise?
Tomorrow is another day. I'll take it and all that comes with it. A good friend once told me, "Life is big." I hear his words and agree.
No comments:
Post a Comment