The Right Thing

Today I did the right thing. In the ultimate act of betrayal of my mother and the love and kindness she has shown me, my family and the world around her, I had her admitted to the hospital because she has grown so weak she can no longer walk alone, climb the stairs or even dress herself. With her words slurred beyond recognition I convinced myself she had suffered a stroke or perhaps had bled into her brain after her last fall. Neither had happened, the CT Scan revealed only significant progression of her disease. I don't know whether to be thankful for that or not.

She let me dress her and lead her from her house because she trusts me. Trusts me to do the right thing for her. Trusts me not to deceive her. She trusts me to be honest with her and yet today I was not honest with her. I didn't tell her I was taking her to the hospital because she can't stay home any longer. I didn't tell her we can't care for her in her home any longer. I didn't tell her she can't even go to assisted living because she's too weak. I lied. I told her the Doctor wanted her to go to have some tests. The worst part about it all is that she believed me. She went willingly because that's what the women of her generation do when the doctor tells them to do something. They go willingly and do it. She went because she trusts me.

I took the coward's way out and in doing so I robbed her of goodbyes. I stole from her the chance to look at her things, her home, her cat for perhaps the last time in her life. I took her away without letting her know she won't be going home again. She never took anything from anyone in her life and today I took everything from her.

In my head I know it is the right thing. That she cannot care for herself any longer. She cannot be alone and we are not able to provide for her at home any more. We have done all that we could, more than many who have lived this nightmare and maybe less than others, but it is all that we could. The time has come. I wish I could breathe.