Sleep

Over the past few months I have experienced bouts of insomnia, not that this surprises me given the events in our family, but nonetheless sleepless nights bring with them random thoughts and escalated worry. When I wake at 2 or 3 in the morning my first thought is of my mother. I picture her in her bed at the Nursing Home and wonder if she is asleep or if the noise of the CNAs making their rounds has disturbed her. I worry that she is afraid, that the dementia hasn't stolen enough of her to quell fear. I worry that she is awake and afraid and doesn't understand why I am not there. The source of this particular fear is her concern that since she doesn't always remember where she is that we won't know either and won't find her. How well I remember that fear when my children were young and I would turn my back for a second to manage one convinced that the others would be stolen or lost to me. Combine this worry with sleep deprivation, add concern for a new son-in-law facing deployment, his new wife, my daughter, contemplating more than a year of separation from her husband and top it off with an equal blend of my own husband, second daughter, grandchildren and a career in healthcare and the insomnia becomes a natural result.

I didn't visit my mother today. When I left my office and walked through the hospital toward the parking garage my exhaustion overtook me and I knew I could not go. I also knew she would forgive me. She would say it was okay, that I was tired and needed to go home and rest. She will love me anyway. These are the thoughts that will keep me occupied tonight.