Today

Today I am weary. I made excuses to myself and didn't visit my mother. At the end of the day at the hospital, after meetings that brought more projects to work on and endless discussions of patients without resources and staff who put their heart and soul into their work only to find that there is no end to the causes, no end to the patients in need, no end to the work itself, I made the choice to go home to my family and give my last ounce of caring to them.

Today is a weary day because it is the 12th of November. The day two years ago when we lost my brother-in-law to cancer. A day of great sorrow for our family. A day of loss that comes in waves. On my mind is my sister-in-law and my nieces. If I relive this loss today what must their day be?

Today is a day of emotion as reality and memory mix and stir together. The image of my mother in her bed at the Nursing Home, eyes clouded with confusion and fear, prompted when someone asks how she is. The remembered sound of my brother-in-law's voice as he told, or attempted to tell a joke but missed the punchline (he never told a joke right on the first try!) when I passed someone in the hall whose ID badge carried my brother-in-law's name. Another image of him on his Birthday, dressed as Elvis. The soft breath of my granddaughter as she crawled into bed with me this morning, a snuggle before the start of the day, a snuggle I fell into and thanked God for. An email from a long lost friend from High School who lives in California but wants to come home. Imagine that, coming home after all these years! The unexpected voice of a friend on the phone and suddenly plans for the weekend ahead take shape.

Today is a day of life. Part sadness, part joy, part sorrow, part thankfulness. Not equal parts but parts nonetheless. Parts that combine to form the whole. The entirety. The broad balance that pulls all the parts of my life into focus and lets me see that at the end of the day, a day like this one, a day of life, I have sadness, I have joy, I have sorrow, I have thankfulness. Most importantly....I have life.