Strength Gained

Today was fluid. From the moment my husband woke me this morning (long after the alarm....he's an early riser, I am not) my day ebbed and flowed among the many roles I sustain. From the early morning hugs for my grandchildren, waking my daughter when the bathroom was free for her (she's not a morning person either....she gets that from me), a Clinical Ethics Committee meeting, a phone conference with the Acute Rehabilitation Hospital detailing how many beds they have available and which of our patients can they take, conversations with the Central Bed Manager about how many patients will be discharged and how many more wait for a bed (if you don't work in healthcare the latest crunch of the healthcare system is bed availability and patient flow....or lack thereof), several visitswith my mother who looked better today but still had not had a speech and swallow evaluation performed which meant she could not eat or drink anything and had not for almost 36 hours (she was receiving IV fluids), the phone call to the Director of Therapies to find out why the speech/swallow hadn't been done, emails with my sister to let her know how Mom looks and what's happening, a celebration for my staff of National Case Management Week (hug a Case Manager....they've earned it!), emails from my daughter with last minute details (10 days to the wedding!) and how is Grammy?, back to my mother's room to learn that the speech/swallow had been completed (thickened liquids and blended foods only, a tray was ordered), plans for the Department Holiday Party, conversation with my other daughter about her trip to her sister's this weekend, calls from my husband (his truck repair was only $941 and don't forget to stop at the ATM on my way home), another phone conference with a colleague in Tuscaloosa, Alabama to develop a dashboard for my Department (again, if you're not in healthcare you'll just have to take my word for it....this is exciting stuff!!!), an off the cuff hallway explanation of the current state of Case Management at our hospital, an unexpected reunion with an old friend (whose mother is in the hospital and can no longer care for herself.....hmmmm), another unexpected visitor (my niece who works as a liaison occasionally at my hospital), another visit with my mother so my niece could say hello, end of the day conversations with my staff about the lack of resources in the state and increasing scrutiny by insurers so patients are stuck in the middle and that's simply not fair and what are we supposed to do about that, home in time for dinner with the family (Blessing upon Blessing....my husband cooks!), a little homework assistance for my grandson, snuggles after bathtime with my granddaughter, good night to my husband (he works nights), phone calls from my mother to let me know she's going home tomorrow (she isn't), my weariness exhibiting itself fully as I tell her probably not and she'll need some time in a Nursing Home (coward....some time, not the truth, all of her time), lunch prepared for tomorrow, another call from my mother this time telling me she's not going to a Nursing Home and that I've ruined her evening (we've had the discussion for days now but it is only old news to me, she hears it for the first time every time), calls to my sister to let her know I ruined Mom's evening to now, time at my computer to pull it all together and frame it before I start again tomorrow.

Today was fluid. The everyday events of my life combined in a seamless river of activity, responsibility, accountability and emotion. I led, I followed, I asked, I answered, I celebrated, I laughed, I complained, I hugged, I loved, I thought, I talked, I smiled, I observed, I appreciated, I prayed, I cared, I survived. And at the end of the day, on my way out of the hospital parking garage, from that roof I saw the most amazing sunset, so amazing I stopped the car and watched it, watched the colors change, the sun rays reach down and the outline of Mount Washington so dark in contrast to the sky it looked like a backdrop in an old movie. From that perspective, that view that is one of my favorites I was thankful. Thankful for the beauty of where I live, the people in my life, the hospital where I work, the people I work with and most of all thankful for a day, a normal day in my life, my filled up life.

Today was fluid. Tomorrow will be, too. And the next. And the next. And the next. Michelle's wedding will come. My mother will move to the Nursing Home. My hospital will not solve the healthcare crisis (but we'll keep trying!). Through it all I will move from one role to the other, laugh and cry, regret and rejoice, tell my mother I love her, snuggle my grandchildren, bless my husband for who he is, love my children, hold my family and friends close and know that when it is over for me, when it is my turn to prepare to leave I will have given it my all while I was here. My mother has taught me well.