Sheer Sleeves

My kids are horrified that I have a blog. "Don't use my name!" their first response. These are the same kids (women if truth be told) who encourage me not to act old, to be up to date with the world, with technology. Now they fear my ability to utilize technical tools will translate into embarassment for them. Oh, the power of my laptop! (Relax girls, as much as I love you, it isn't always about you!)

In October my sister and I will each gain a family member. For her, a daughter-in-law, for me a son-in-law. These weddings come with all the joy and fanfare befitting the expansion of our family. For Penny the addition of Kelley a joyous occasion, for us the welcome of Jay no less joyous but truly a technicality because he long ago became one of our own. Regardless of who is joining which segment of our family, both events are formal affairs with all the trimmings. Trimmings that require details and errands and follow ups and appointments and last minute work. What can not wait until the last minute is a new dress for our mother, so today we shopped.

We knew we were in trouble as soon as we walked into the store and she said she had to sit down. A chair near the dressing room came in handy...handy for her as my sister and I walked back and forth with dress selections. A selection made it was into the dressing room, again no easy task but once accomplished I led our mother out to my sister. In the mirror I saw my mother, not as she is now, but as she was. Whole. Beautiful. Draped in dusty rose chiffon that encircled her waist and streamed to the floor. My sister saw her, too and we swallowed the lumps in our throats together as we faced all that we have lost.

My sister stood behind our mother, looked in the mirror at her and reminded her that she always used to say that one day she wanted a dress that had long sheer sleeves. "I did?" She faded from us again as she moved back to the chair in her new dress.

These are the moments when the world collapses for me, the moments when there is no escape from the reality of the disease, the course of our path that steals her from us. We have watched others travel this journey, some with grace, others with anger, and try to find our way. We rely on the love and friendship of our families, our husbands and children, our in-laws and lifetime friends and can't imagine how anyone lives this without faith. We cherish the moments we have her with us, the moments like the one today when we saw her in the mirror and steal ourselves against the knowledge that these moments have become fewer and will become fewer still.

But in October Grammy Lois will have her moment in her new dress with the sheer sleeves and she will walk down the aisle at the weddings of her grandchildren and everyone will know that our family is there, sustained by our love for each other and our love for her and we will welcome our new family members with open arms and create new memories together.