What's Normal?

As a trained professional I know there is no fundamental reason to argue with a person who has dementia. I would never dream of such behavior with a patient and would assuredly advise the families of my patients to understand the nature of dementia, remain calm and pleasant and simply go along with whatever the conversation happens to be. Knowing that, why is it that tonight I find myself insistent with my mother that her father's last wife was Betty, not Gladys?! What difference does it make? They're all dead now so who cares which one came first (there were six in all, a fact my mother inserts into random conversations with complete strangers.) What is it that makes me push against her tonight, to prove her wrong, to state in no uncertain terms that we were not there when Martin died, we were there a few weeks before? Again I ask (a few seconds too late) what difference does it make to anyone, particularly when in this instant, this memory is so important to her. She needs to believe she was there and it was at the hour of his death that he told her, "I love you and I'll miss you". What harm is there in letting her believe that when one of her dearest friends died, she was by his side? How much better for her to end her day today with the comfort of knowing that she was a good friend to someone. I took that away from her.

So tonight I have made my mother feel bad. I have forced her to come face to face with her dementia, and it is ugly. I can't think of anything worse I could do in the course of a day. I am willing to bet I am not alone, that there are many daughters and sons out there who have done the same and are as ashamed of their behavior as I am. In this instance, there is no safety in numbers, no assurance that if all these other people have done the same thing it can't be that bad, it must be expected. I am willing to bet the literature labels it a 'normal stress response'. Trust me, there is nothing normal about it.